Posts tagged worst
For anyone who doesn’t know, the Sega CD and the 32X go hand in hand. They’re partners in shit, if you will. Basically what I’m saying is that with my last article, you probably expected this one. If you didn’t then go back and read the previous one before you read this. Don’t worry I’ll still be here. Waiting. But enough with the talking, let’s start with degrading the very small library of games this horrible add on had to offer in ‘THE TOP 10 WORST SEGA 32X GAMES!’ Also please note that the following will probably read like the ramblings of a deranged mad man. You have been warned.
NUMBER 10: Primal Rage
Back when Street Fighter 2 was the popular girl in school, everyone was trying to date her and gain the magic kiss which would make them better. Or in a way that makes more sense: game companies tried to rip it off to make their games better. Basically Primal Rage was made to capitalize on this. And that’s fine. It was fun. However when ported to the 32X it was shit.
NUMBER 9: Doom
I love Doom. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not raging on Doom. No, I’m raging on the Doom port. The controls in this pathetic
port are so horrible that they make me want to play a Sega CD game. HEY-OH! I now demand you get an audience to laugh at that. But yeah, this was a terrible port.
The worst part is they even fucked up the music. I have no idea how you could do that. I’m guessing all the quality gets removed when something is on the Sega 32X.
NUMBER 8: Virtua racing
This is just a very outdated racing game. Now I’m not really a big racing game fan but this game was just ugly. I know the graphics were probably mind blowing for it’s time but the big blocky graphics just make it hard to see.
The Sega 32x itself also doesn’t help this because the controller isn’t suited for any 3D game at all. Like a lonely man on Valentines Day no one wants to play Virtua Racing anymore. And that’s a perfect excuse to make it number 8.
NUMBER 7: All the sports games on it
Since the Sega 32X has less games than the Playstaion 3, (HEY-OH!) I had to basically look for games that weren’t just generic sports games, for this list. I found a small amount of games that weren’t samey sports games. It’s embarrassing. There are barely any games for the add on, and barely any games that aren’t a tie in with some big athlete at the time. So here on this list is every generic sports game made for the add on. I know it’s cheating but I had a little amount of games to work with so shut up.
NUMBER 6: Toughman Contest
Toughman Contest despite it’s manly name is just like Super Punch Out but not fun. In any way. It’s boring and has all of the humour sucked out of it a bit like Jeff Dunham (OH HO HO HO HO, TOPICAL COMEDIAN JOKES!). Very lame.
NUMBER 5: Virtua Fighting
This is just like Virtua Racing but with fighting. A bit more noticeable because this spawned a better series, but this really is an outdated title. Really the controls are bad and all the characters move like they have feet made out of jelly. A boring fighting game that’s best remembered for it’s sequels. At least that’s something.
NUMBER 4: Metal Head
Hey! It’s another shitty FPS! Woo! Fuck yeah I love shit FPS games. They fill my heart with joy. Actually replace ‘joy’ with ‘bile’ and you have my feelings on this game. I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record on this list but I’m just at a loss for things to say. That’s the reason I can’t think of anything funny (as per usual) because there is nothing funny or enjoyable about the 32X itself. Everything is just so bland it all blends into one pile of shit. I’m flabbergasted. I have nothing to say apart from ‘bad controls’ and ‘shit, shit, shit’.
Anyway Metal Head has bad controls and is shit, shit, shit. Confusing as it is bad, this game is when the Sega 32X games stop being ‘bland’ and start getting ‘absolutely terrible and reprehensible’. Just a bad game no one will play except people who make negative top 10 lists like me. A sad existence I think you’ll agree.
NUMBER 3: Star Trek Starfleet Academy- Starship Bridge Simulaton
I was so confused by this game. This game explains nothing to you. I had no idea what to do. Maybe I’m just an idiot who can’t handle anything unless there are at least 12 explosions but I just couldn’t get on with this game. It just left me confused and feeling inadequate. So my revenge is in putting this on my list.
Maybe you have to be a Star Trek fan to enjoy this? I don’t know but if you feel like anything Star Trek related has to be good then you’re obviously not as jaded as Star Wars fans. Or maybe I’m talking out of my arse. Probably the latter.
NUMBER 2: Fahrenheit
I thought I was done worth this shit last week. Well apparently not. Because you could for some reason combine both add ons to create the ultimate piece of shit. I’m sure no one played this game because you would have to have both systems. It’s just another FMV game. In case you didn’t have enough of that, Fahrenheit is the game for you.
This one doesn’t even have camp value. It’s beyond ‘so bad it’s good’. This is ‘So bad it makes me want to destroy an orphanage.’ FMV games are always terrible and this is no excuse. So what bland and terrible game could possibly but at number 1? Well it’s not a game per say but more an example of the terrible fucking design of this dreaded add on. Take a look.
NUMBER 1: Every god damn game if you don’t have one of the cords plugged in
You just bought a Sega 32x because you’re rich and stupid. You plug the game in. You pop one of the games from the list above and you’re so excited you’re going to shit your trousers. But guess what? The fucking graphics don’t show up because you haven’t got another useless cord plugged in.
As always I’m cheating here. As this is more of a hardware problem than anything. But really? You need to plug in another fucking cord to get the graphics to show up? Bullshit. This shows how much Sega was just willing to make a quick buck because as I said before, unlike me they don’t love you. Playing the game without a cord would leave you confused as everything would be invisible. And you may say this is cheating because really it isn’t a game in itself, but it’s A) My list B) A really big fucking problem with the add on and C) My fucking list. Besides no one cares. Plus playing the games without the cord somehow makes every 32X game even shittier. So that’s my list. I hope you had fun and agree with me, or else.
Everything is rubbish. That’s right absolutely everything in the universe is rubbish and horrible. Well apart from negative top 10 list’s about Sega related subjects. So that’s why I’m here. To provide you with the absolute worst of everything Sega has had contact with. But where do you start, is the ultimate question? Well if you’re one of those weird people who likes to read the headlines before the actual article then you’re in for a treat! Because right here, right now I am going to count down the cream of the crop of absolutely representable sonic characters.
Actually ‘cream of the crop’ isn’t really the right phrase as the cream is probably spoilt by now, and has bits of sick in it. Anyway to give myself some boundaries for this list I decided that you must be able to play as the character at some point. So here we go on a Sega related adventure through terrible characters and even worse design. So let’s dive in with what I (and everyone else with good brain boxes) call, ‘THE TOP 10 WORST SONIC CHARACTERS!’
NUMBER 10: Charmy Bee
Now this one is just lazy. I mean you really know that Sega has hit a new low when they’ve started scraping the insect barrel for their anthropomorphic animal characters. I mean this thing is just annoying. They used a bee. A fucking bee for their game. Bee’s are horrible disgusting creatures that would rather drown their own siblings in a pool of sweat and intestines then give them a sip of tasty, life saving honey.
But now I’m just using this as an excuse to shout at bee’s through the internet so I’ll stop with that now. Basically Charmey is horrible because he’s a useless character and was only made for ‘Knuckles Chaotix’ so that Knuckles could have his own verity of annoying twat’s to chase him around and bother him into eternity. And that’s why Charmy deserves the number 10 spot.
NUMBER 9: Blaze the cat
What can I say about Blaze the cat? Well I can’t really say much about Blaze the cat, actually. She’s just unnecessary (another word you’ll be reading a lot in this article). To be fair I only put her on this list because she’s just a dull attempt at adding story to a Sonic game that doesn’t need it. Really, did we need another mysterious rival in a 2D Sonic game? Well obviously we did not. She doesn’t even look a tiny bit like a cat. How pathetic. This is all I can really say about her since she’s just dull, but still unnecessary enough to hold a firm place at number 9 in this gut wrenching list.
NUMBER 8: The Werehog
Now this is technically cheating because really he’s just another personification of Sonic. Hell, he isn’t even a character but more of a device to bring awkward gameplay elements to mix in with the actual good gameplay. But that’s exactly why. Because he was only used to bring more unnecessary gameplay to the franchise. This isn’t so bad however because Sega seems to have gotten the message that people play Sonic games to play as Sonic so I doubt we’ll be seeing more werehog type things in the future.
Also the term ‘werehog’ is just really dumb. I know pointing that out now is like pointing out that we invaded Iraq for a horrible and unjust reason (TOPICAL JOKES! I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK, GUYS!). But yeah ‘Werehog’ doesn’t really make sense. So as a character the Werehog is a blank, but as an excuse to add more bullshit mechanics to the Sonic franchise, the Werehog is a perfect example. Which is more than reason enough to put him on this list. But it just looks like I’m trying to justify putting him on this list for myself now so i’ll stop going on about him. Werehog sucks, let’s see who’s up next.
NUMBER 7: Rouge the bat
Ok now we’re getting into it. To be honest since I limited myself to only characters you can play as, the first 3 characters on this list could be anyone. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of absolutely horrible Sonic characters to pick, but they were the worst. But from now on this is purely about the character itself. And Rouge the Bat is the perfect example of a terrible fucking character.
For ‘Sonic adventure 2′ she basically fills the sass quota. She jumps and jives her way through the game whilst dispensing sass and what can only be called innuendo on the way. Her story is awful, her voice is disgustingly sexual and someone decided to give her boobs. What disgusting person at Sega actually decided that a cuddly-sort-of-cat-but-is-actually-a-bat-type-creature, needed sexual organs? I don’t know, but I do know that this (or those) increased the disgusting amount of Sonic fan art. So she’s annoying, irritating, completely almost irrelevant to the game (except that they needed someone with Knuckles type gameplay to balance out the two sides) and indecently sexual. In fact she would be the number 1 worst character if it wasn’t for 6 more worse side kicks in the Sonic franchise (obviously). Oh, boy.
NUMBER 6: Silver the hedgehog
Imagine if you will, an alternative universe. Imagine a universe so horrible and indecent, that even our universe can’t even rival any of the horrors their world has to offer. Now imagine that in this parallel universe that James Cameron is a furry. Oh god. This is basically the premise of Silver. Or that premise as well as giving Sonic another arch nemesis because so far he only has 3000 hedgehog foes that look very similar to him, and want to kill him at the same time. If you get what I’m grasping at.
Basically I’m saying that Silver the hedgehog is a furry version of ‘the terminator’. Which is true because he totally is (I said it therefore I’m right). Except with psychic powers. Cause kids dig psychic powers apparently. So Silver is in the dreadful ‘Sonic the hedgehog 2006′ for nothing more then another rival to fight. Fine. Just don’t make us play as him. Except you do get to play as him! And guess what? His gameplay is awful. It controls bad and just isn’t fun. There is no redeeming quality to Silver, except that he manages to be less annoying than the other characters below on this list. He’s also a whiny and somehow manages to make being a super hero from the future extremely dull. He’s always “iblis trigger” this and “end of the world” that. Seriously, I can’t stand Silver.
NUMBER 5: Amy Rose
QUICK QUESTION! Does Sonic need his own Princess Peach? Answer: NO! You are correct sir! Your prize is that you get to read about why Amy Rose, is an utterly pathetic character! Enjoy. So yeah, I’m not a fan of Amy. Not even Sonic himself cares about her. But why should he? She’s just plain grating. With her first appearance in ‘Sonic CD’ Amy’s future looked bright. A bit like the aforementioned Peach, the goal of the game was to free Amy from the clutches of Robotnik and metal Sonic. This is how Amy should have stayed. She was perfectly acceptable in ‘Sonic CD’.
Then they gave her a voice. Oh why. Why did they give her a voice? Amy is as annoying as Sonic thinks she is, which is something when Sonic can handle talking to many tedious characters, but even Amy is too much for him. Constantly stalking Sonic, Amy will not give up until her hero lives with her forever. She’s like that woman from ‘Misery.’ If Sonic ever slowed down I can guarantee that she would keep him locked up and break his ankles when he tried to rightfully escape. Thinking about it, Amy is kind of scary. She’s now gone way past annoying and jumped right into stalker behaviour. Creepy.
NUMBER 4: Big the cat
Oh, we knew it would come to this. Everyone in the whole universe hates Big. Literally everyone. Even the big Sonic fan-base hates Big. Which is a shame because he actually looks different from every other Sonic friend in the universe. He is the least generic looking of the characters I’ve mentioned in this list. Sure, he looks idiotic but it’s at least a different type of idiocy. But yeah, everyone hates him and there’s a good and deeper reason of why.
You see for this list I contacted Professor Zack of the university of videogames, where he teaches useless sidekickology. The professor said “Big is perfect because he’s the personification of the sonic fanbase. They hate him so much because froggy represents the classic sonic gameplay constantly teasing fans but ultimately slipping out of Big’s hands and therefore the fan-base’s. It’s quite meta.” The professor then did some crack and nearly killed himself with an iron.
But to be fair I think the professor was onto something. Maybe there’s a Big the cat in all of us. Waiting to get out. That and he’s just absolutely retarded sounding. I mean come on. Big’s voice is pretty lame. Almost to the level of self parody. But you don’t need me to tell you how bad it is, so I’ll just let him speak for himself. Or not since he probably couldn’t without throwing up his organs from self-disgust or stupidity.
NUMBER 3: Cream the rabbit
Even lazier than Charmey Bee in design terms, Cream is the ultimate mixture of laziness and uselessness. Originally created for ‘Sonic Heroes’ Cream the Rabbit was shoved into ‘Sonic Advanced 2′ so that people wouldn’t think she was made just to complete one of the teams in the former game. Which is horrible. Just a hint to Sega: Shoe horning characters into games so they can be in other games won’t make us like them. It’ll make us think they’re annoying and stupid.
And she is so annoying. She brings nothing to gameplay and is very dull. She is the perfect example of making a character just ’cause. Cream is just straight up bad. I can’t even think of anything to say about her. In the end she’s just so dull. There’s nothing to her, she adds nothing, she is just a figure of nothingness that, somehow manages to be too dull to have a personality, but somehow is one of the most annoying examples of a Sonic friend in recent histiory.
NUMBER 2: Shadow the hedgehog
Basically Shadow is like Cloud from ‘Final Fantasy 7′ but he’s a hedgehog. Yeah. Remember when I went on about how Silver was a whiny bitch? Well Shadow is even worse, if that’s possible. He never shuts up about “Mariaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!” and his dark past. He’s basically the ‘dark and edgy’ version of Sonic, to appeal to all those kids who listen to emo bands, cut themselves and apparently play Sonic games.
This is evident in even the way that he looks. Instead of blue Shadow is black and red. The colour of darkness, blood, and petty teenage angst. Oh yeah man don’t mess with Shadow. He’ll get you, and then will talk to you about his vague past, until you kill yourself because you can’t take his whiny personality any more. Ugh. So, to everyone’s chagrin Shadow also got his own game. It was atrocious. The very bottom of the Sonic franchise barrel. It was dark, edgy, and he used a gun. Everything Sega thought was cool all encapsulated in one game. This all adds up to of course Shadow being the second worst playable Sonic character in the history of Sega itself.
So there you go. Nine utterly despicable characters that you just want to bludgeon. But we still have the ultimate character. The worst Sonic character ever. But wait, I’ve already listed al the worst one’s right? There’s no one else who is worse than all of these! Well, read on because the answer to who the worst Sonic character is, may surprise you.
NUMBER 1: Sonic the hedgehog
Now before you find out where I live so you can torture me and my family, and accuse me of attention grabbing (even though I am), let me explain. Sonic is his own worst enemy. Literally. Back in the day everything was fine. But recently he went down hill (like you needed me to tell you). He abused 3D heavily and hasn’t been the same since. In all seriousness Sonic has gotten very annoying. Even in terms of character. He’s just too ‘AWESOME’ and ‘RADICAL’ for his own good. His sassy-ness is only matched by Rouge the bat’s.
So, Sonic was cool but has lately gotten grating. Especially to old Sega fanatics. But could this all change? Well with ‘Sonic 4′ coming up it certainly looks that way. We could be looking at an all new Sonic the hedgehog! Or old Sonic, depending on how you look at it.
So, right now Sonic is the worst character in Sonic. This is totally fact because I said it and no one can disagree with me ’cause I have reasons. He is just the worst character. Not because of his design, or voice (although his voice is rather “EXTREME!” and therefore grating), but by how he’s been treated, abused even. But look on the bright side because things could be getting better. Maybe. Let’s see. Thanks for reading. Agree with me, or else.